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Sep 1, 2005
It's been so long I tried to sign in and when they said i had the wrong password I thought they closed my account. Sure, I've been wanting to write in here. 2 things run amok in my mind everytime I think of putting up an entry. One is something that I have decided not to put up here but instead in my private diary. haha. You guess can continue to guess what it is. The thing is, I always said that I would say it in here.but i found out i could not. I've been saying it often. So if all of that is not enough to give you a clue of what it is, good. There's a reason why I didn't want to write here.
They other one is about my parent's relationship. The cold war is going on again. Irritating. I won't scold the other word. They are my parents, after all.
But after I think about it, I feel that that is not even worth it to write here. Bloody hell sometimes i get so mad.
anyway. I'm meant to do my homework and I don't feel like typing. the presentation is tml, i haven't done half of it.
quote: "At Brianiacs, we are the ones who ring the doorbell of Science, and then run away." Brianiacs, Art Central, 11pm
Posted at 12:15 am by Yen-Lyng
Jun 29, 2005
Sorry for the very late update, whoever's even waiting. i've been busy. i don't even have time to write in my actual diary and here i am on my web-blog. anyway, on me.
Just time for some self-reflection. I feel i've improveed as a person. yet in some ways, i think i've gotten worse. but overall, i do love myself more these days. maybe becasue in the past i didn't even thnk about it, how to love? or maybe now i can just find more ways to give excuses and prasie to myself to love.
that's one way i've changed. i've never been able to say, no matter how jokingly, that i'm great, beautiful, FABULOUS. but that all changed i think in Sec 4. (i think it's after the valentine thing, too) but now i can. even though in a joking tone, but i belive myself sometimes. i am able to say that. i am able to feel comfortable in my own skin but i don't deny that i still want to have another nobody sometimes. be another person. ok, maybe not. i don't want to be another person. i want to be me. but a more beautiful me. and that is because i don't see the crime in that anymore. i don't see what's wrong in wanting to be more beautiful. who doesn't? but i want to be me. bottom line.
and one thing that got me into that is that i don't really care that much what people think anymore. sometimes, it's cos i dont't care, but even that takes persuasion of my own mind not to care, and i admire that in myself and am trying to do better. most of the time, its ignorance. i realise that if i don't think about it, it's never that bad.
But the ignorance and 'i-can't-be-bothered-ness' has gotten in the way of many other things too. that's one place i've gone wrong. i ignore what people think and feel sometimes. because i want to do things my way. no, not 'i-hate-you-so-i-do-it-this-way' kind of thing. but i see the obvious reason behind my way and am able to explain the sense and logic behind it -- i belive it the right (or different, unique)way, so i do it. but sometimes, others just don't like it. and i think "well, i can't please everyone"
ok, i would love to say more. but i'm hungry and i have to go fetch my younger sis to go my aunt's house where my cousin is in confinement. BABY BOY!!! yeah. cute. ugly, but cute. and i belive he'll grow cuter. and prettier.
quote: "Pray come -- you must come --I declare you shall come --" < Sir John, Sense and Sensibility by Jane Austen>
Posted at 10:55 pm by Yen-Lyng
Apr 30, 2005
I'm just trying to get the The Used video onto my page. but we can't find out how. so we're trying something out.
Posted at 09:04 am by Yen-Lyng
Apr 27, 2005
I felt very wierd today while reading Harry Potter on FF.net. I dunno why. It was just...a very... uneasy feeling. I posted 2 one-shots on HP yesterday. So I read the 4 reviews so far. 1 was for one fic, 3 for the other. One person submitted a review for both.
"WHY IS DRACO GAY?"
Boy, did I laugh. Some idiots just don't read warnings. For the other fic, he wrote: "Why would anyone want Harry to be gay? WHY?" Then I just had to shake my head at that poor idiot. Seriuosly, when I asked them to read both of my attempts, I meant it to those who were non-masochist who read the whole fic of slash which they hate, they go on and search for the other which was already told to them that it was gay then bother to flame the author and ask them 'why are they gay?'. Crazy bastards.
Anayway. I think I'm spending waaaayyy.... too much money. I've reached the bottom line for which I can spend for this month. But at least its the end of month and I've only got a few more dasy to pay-day. But should I quit? I'm feeling like it. But I don't want to have to depend on my stressed-out dad for my allowance. It felt good to be independent and relieve my parents of their financial burden, no matter how little.
But ow I still need to stock up on clothes. Poly's coming. And clothes are way too insanely priced, as I have recently found out.
My sis suggested I make it myself. It's a good idea. saves moeny. But I think I'd rather buy wholesale and decorate myself. YEah!! But for now, I still need to find something to wear till I et my 1st t-shirt out.
quote: "My sis just asked me to go peel two to three oranges for her. Damn. Gotta go. Bye!" <My sis advising me what to write in here so as to get off, like I wanted to and begged her to find an excuse for me.>
Posted at 10:52 pm by Yen-Lyng
Apr 24, 2005
It's something that I have always wondered about and it bothers me, still. I am a teenager, and teens wonder about such things, as much as I hate to do so. But have you ever thought of falling in love? Of course you have. If you haven't, what are you? Two years old? Go to college and get an early degree then, reading my blog on the internet.
I have been reading books since I can remember and watching television since about the same time. I am exposed to all things lovey-dovey, and then some. But what is it to fall in love? A cliche question, but a question, and one that can never be easily answered, none the less. As infuriating as it sounds, I understand that not all love is the same and not everyone feels and acts the same when they are in love. That is the bloody damn reason why there is no fixed answer for my very first question.
But I've thought about what love is. And we are animals, born onto this earth to survive. They say Love makes the world go round. Bullshit. If all humans died and there is no love the world would be so much better without us. It'll thrive, without those pesky little beings ruining all its beauty. Love, is just what humans make everything to be, a complicated and overly-exagerated mode of survival. It is just protectiveness in a human form. Very, very fierce protectiveness, made confusing by the thing we call the human brain. If I were to explain it thoroughly, it would be too long and knowing me, repititive. So go figure and think yourself.
But anyway, I think I'm off-track already. I mean to ask, "What would it feel like to be in love?" After reading so much, watching so much, Love is never defined. Well... actually it is in literature and all its cliches. But I've read the cliches, and all that goes against the cliches that they are being cliches, and I wonder in cliche, 'Would it feel like that? Would I really be so in love with someone that I'll not think of what other people think? Would I really be willing to fight for this person and sacrifice my life for him/her?' (Notice I use both genders with my acceptence of homosexuality. No, not acceptance meaning that I am one. If I liked a female, believe me, those reading would be the first to know.)
I feel that I would give all to the one I love. But who's to know? I may not be able to in the end.
I have never been in love. I'm not even seventeen, for god's sake. I have had crushes though, but those were just a forced kind, I know that now. Yes, forced. When I told my friends I liked that person, it was nothing but a fancy and I think right after I told them, that fancy died down immediately. And, honestly, I think I forced myself to go through all the motions of being a love-sick schoolgirl. Disgusting. I haven't fully crossed that line to adulthood to be able to look back and laugh at such stuff with a free heart. It's terribly embarassing, still. Funny, nonetheless.
But, back to the topic. How will I know when I love somebody? My crushes tugged at my heart. And not those within reach. I tell you, I am a FANGIRL. I love pretty boys. And I ave lots of idols who are almost all my crushes. I feel I love the to death. But that's fanatical. Scary. Considering they don't even know you exist. But, as with al my current fetish, they die out. I am now crazy over Tom Felton. But I know that sooner or later, I'll grow tired of it and I'll just find a new target to be an entire goo over. Only to hop from one to another and come back to him again when I feel like it. But being a fan of him has a great big symptom of being in love. He is on my mind all the time. (Stop thinking this is sick and read my point, will ya?) Does this consider to be love? Are all my crushes love? How would you know, right? How would I?
But I feel, if any one of my crushes had returned my feelings, I think I would have been in love. And I would still be in love if they have continued to love me. Because I know, I am a very practical person. Why should I love that person if he does not love me back? But if he does, and I can feel the same, why not? And I know I would fall. Is it still considered love then? When I put an attachment to it? A condition? Dn't get me?
Let's say I fancy 2 people at the same time. One, more than the other. But the one who I like more holds no great feeling for me, while the one I like less does. I'll go for the one I like less. Because there is a chance. And I do like him. And I can make it grow. But..... would it last? That's another question that bothers me. Because I know that if I were really in that situation, it will proceed like that. Can that kind of love last? I'd like to think it will.
Quote: 'That's what you think.' <Anybody. But I claim a right to it first.> Posted at 11:44 pm by Yen-Lyng
Apr 14, 2005
Or does Peter Pan seem a little gay? HAahahaha... Where did that come from? Well, seeing my obsession with hot guys, you don't seriously think I'll miss out on Peter Pan the movie, right? He's cute. Um... Jeremy Sumpter, his name is. Not as hot as Tom Felton, but enough.
As to why I feel Peter Pan is gay? Well, not Pan exactly, more like Hook. Watch the movie and think all the way juat a little, little bit twisted and you've got yourself a whole gay movie. With a little sob. Then some.
Went for my medical check-up today. Bloody NYP got the opening time wrong and when we went at 2pm, the place wasn't to open till 5pm. So QT with my elder sis. Got time to eat Mos Burger again. Ha. Seriously, I didn't really miss it. And I think I remembered why. And I still have to go back tomorrow anyway. Stupid X-ray was closed at 5. BUT OPEN AT 2!! Fed-up. And The results will come out on the 18th, earliest. 19th's the dateline. So I've got to call NYP.
I had a really wierd dream last night. Details are too personal. But it was... WIERD. Laughable yet disgusting. Hahaha. I'm still wondering how my mind can come up with such a thing. But I can tell you it had a friend in it. A guy friend. Not anyone of you reading my blog, definitely. And marriage. But not to him. Unfortunately. I would have so prefered that. I was marrying.... Someone I didn't know. Thank goodness for that though. Not for the fact that I wasn't marrying a guy I didn't know. But just not knowing him. Cos from what I heard form the gossipers in my dream, he was a horrible man. I just thought 'Why the HELL am I marrying him?', 'I don't even KNOW him.' and 'I rather be marrying HIM!!' and not to forget 'I can just say 'no, I do not' later.' and.... stupid, i know but, 'Should I really say no? But plastic surgery in India very cheap leh.'
What the bloody fuck.
I know. ... No actually, I don't. But I really did think that in my dream. Now you can see why I'm so riled up by it. Hahaa. Hysterical.
Quote: 'i myself didnt even know i was fucking smiling cos i was in fact,fucking gonna die.' <Gerald Lim's Blog, Thursday, April 14>
No. I don't not know who this guy is. But I quote him. http://-runn.blogspot.com/
Posted at 05:24 am by Yen-Lyng
Apr 8, 2005
I got my package from NYP yesterday. Confusing bunch of words and a waste of lots of paper it was. And money. I had to pay over a thousand bucks today for the enrolment fee. before I even enrolled. Quite silly, actually. But it's the way it works. If it weren't for my future...But isn't everything so? Still have a coupla things to do before I send the whole thing in. Including taking a passport-sized photo and going for a medical check-up. Troublesome thing, education is. Why the hell do you need a medical check-up? But the passport-sized thingy isn't a problem, considering I work at photoshop.
The common toilet in our house is under renovation. Don't know what happened to the tiles. Popped right out of the floor. So much drilling yesterday and a little today. My mom planned on replacing those grey-blue tiles with black and white but the contractor showed my dad today (mom was at work) the tiles which was smooth and totally unsuitable for a wet toilet, unless of course you wanted to die while taking a piss. So my dad made the desicion to take the old one. Big mistake. Well, don't really want to say much more about it except: My mother. *Sigh* Is it that hard?
Sometimes I wish they would get a divorce already. And, no, obviously I'm not thinking of the practical part (money-part/post-divorce life) of this. But what with them going on like that. Do they still love each other? I don't think I doubt that. They just can't stand the hell of each other. But they avoid talking to each other unless necessary. We're they're kids, and that's exactly why we're not dumb. Do they doubt they're up-bringing o much? We can see signs. We just ignore them. Or at least my siblings do. I just hate it when they ask me to pass something or ask to 'Tell your father" or "Tell your mother" that when they are standing just of the other side of me. But, they're my parents, and I can't snap at them. Though I often do. I do ask why don't they do it themselves but gave up on that a while ago too. It's frustrating. They just don't make up like they use to. The bond now is so strained and, consequently, the pressure's up for the whole family, directly or indirectly. I just decided to leave it up to them.
I have also recently developed a serious fetish for Tom Felton. Don't know who? Boy, you're missing out the hottest guy on earth. Think Harry Potter....'s enemy. Draco Malfoy. In the movie. Let's not talk about the 3rd one. (What happened to his hair?!?!) But! I just saw some pics of those pics of his cut hair. One word: Drool-Worthy. And yes. That was one word.
I had my eyes on him since I first saw him in Harry Potter. Just not in deep enough for him. I went more for Daniel Radcliffe and Sean Biggerstaff. But.. er-hem. [FF and slash coming up ppl. Don't like, Don't care]
I read the sworn-off Fanfiction of Harry Potter. And well, you know me. DRACO & HARRY!!! Whoa. How much hotter can a pair get? And, knowing me again (it seems that you all do, haha) I'm starting one myself. Can't bring myself to write my other outstanding ones. No inspiration at all for any of them. So why not write one which I do have it for. I miss writing anyway. I need to move my fingers.
Quote: Whatever life throws at me I'll take it and be grateful for it as well. -- Tom Felton
Posted at 09:57 am by Yen-Lyng
Feb 27, 2005
Tomorrow is most probably death-day for many. Although I don't consider it being mine, I still can't help being nervous. No, actually. I'm not that nervous now. But I'm not really thinking about it. Not thinking about 'what if's'. But I know no matter how cool I act now, I'm going to be a shaking, illiterate fool tomorrow.
Then I'll be a drooling, crazy one after that when I go watch Howl's Moving Castle a second time with DH. I'm wondering if I should, though. I don't know if I'm going again on Wednesday with my sis, the only other person willing to listen to me gush and go watch HMC. Cos watching it 3 times in a week is not really healthy for my finance, if I even have one. But hey, I just told my sis I may not have money and it's not like she has any anyway. I'll end up paying for her. As much as I love my sis, I do not have the cash babes.
Oh, as I have been saying this past few days, GO WATCH HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE!!!!! oh my god. The first 20-30 minutes had me drooling and a pile of goo at Howl's feet. Sure he was a little cool-looking in the trailer. But in the movie he is.... Prince Charming.
The words 'That's my girl' and 'Very nice' keeps echoing in my head and as evil as it seems, i wish the girl dead and me in her place. Like, who wouldn't want to have Howl holding your hands, making you fly and whispering praises in your ear. (I just tried very hard not to make the previous sentence make people think a little off the track) And he is so cute. With that childish temper of his. CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE CUTE!!!
Oh, if you may have noticed, I'm typing all in proper english(ok, not all) with all its capitalising and blah blah. Just felt like it. Cos I saw one outstanding blod that one time (though I haven't even seen many) and although the pic of the writer in so.. lian, she had good english. So, me, who, I personally feel, am not lian, should have better English standards.
quote: "What's the point of living if you're not beautiful?" <Howl in Howl's Moving Castle> Posted at 08:30 am by Yen-Lyng
Feb 23, 2005
they say that money is the one. i believe a little. i think humans are the ones. they just say it's money so the blame is not on them. who on earth created money, i wonder? why, a human by the name of Marco Polo, of course. but they don't blame him. he is a hero, after all.
humans are alwasy made out to seem like heroes. like gods. even unconsciuosly, it is so. many may say they have a God. and it is sin to see yourself as one, but hey, do you not see yourself as better than someone? something?
take humans and animals. humans are animals. and sometimes i find it ironic how they say, 'what are you, an animal or something?' if not an animal, than a something. hehehe. stupid. hahah.
but money. let's talk about it. people give money soooo much power, its sad. and even if we know it, there's nothing we can do about it. the society's forever changed. and ppl are brainwashed. all 'sin' is actually, directly or indirectly, about money.
why not steal? cos other ppl will lose. lose what? money, most of the time. one way or another.
another more indirect example?
why not have sex and have a family at 12, when puberty hits? cos you don't have the money. and if you don't have the money, ppl have to act good and donate to you and they lose money. not good. not to mention the trouble brought upon to these ppl.
humans have world domination. they have fulfilled the goal of being in existance. we survived and dominate. and yet, after that, we take it one riduculousl step higher to try and dominate each other. than destroy everything and everyone around us one by one without knowing it.
ok, i thinkn i'm going off course. so i'll say this another time.
ohh, and my 'o'-level results are going to be out soon. so... trying not to be nervous. and not to keel over at the blow given to my finance again at having to buy the bleach and nw the temp spray to use for a few freakin hours for stupid teachers' sakes.
quote: Money is the root of all evil. People made money. Posted at 12:01 am by Yen-Lyng
Feb 19, 2005
yup. that's what i am.
it is now just past 9am in the morning on this great, great, beautiful sunday. WHY THE HELL AM I AWAKE!??!??!?!?!
cos i didn't note that my boss changed the schedule and i was supposed to report in the afternoon at 1pm, not morning 9am.......
what's worse is that I COULDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT!!! i think i fell asleep only at about 5 in the morning when my mom woke up to tell me she was going for her morning walk and if i woke up early enough, to make breakfast. now i have 5 hours. i think that's early enough.
oh and my boss said that the bleaching was uneven. my sis said that yesterday too. i'm gonna kill that younger sis of mine.
hai... i can't go back to sleep now. maybe later. it took quite some effort to hype myself up and now i can go back to sleep? i don't think so.
quote: Sleep till you drop, you lucky bastards.
Posted at 05:10 pm by Yen-Lyng
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